Dear Santa Claus,
Thank you for delivering the Tigers’ AL Central and ALDS crowns I asked for last year. I think I remember asking for a total of four crowns, though, but I realize you’re a very busy man and can’t always get to everything. I know that because a lot of teams didn’t get any of their requested crowns at all!
In case you’re wondering, I have been a very well-behaved Tiger fan for the whole year, despite the fact I had many opportunities to be bad. Phil Coke, for instance, drove me batty all year, but I didn’t even swear at him once. In the postseason Prince Fielder also irritated me on a daily basis, but again, I held my tongue. I must confess, though, Santa, I completely lost it when Boston hit those two grand slams in the ALCS. I personally don’t think there’s a Tiger fan on the planet who didn’t use some creative vocabulary words during those dark moments, Santa, including me. So I apologize for that.
Before I get to my wish list for this year, let me tell you about something I asked for last year and how it worked out. Remember the 2013 bullpen you gave me? Unfortunately the back end of it broke down in early April and wasn’t repaired until June. Also, the middle part of it was wobbly at times and didn’t seem to work very consistently throughout the year. As a result, I’m requesting a newly constructed, solidly built bullpen for 2014 (it would be extra nice if you could find one with an automatic shutdown option!). I’m hoping this time all the parts (short, middle, and long relief) fit properly and work together well. As this is the most important gift I’m requesting, Santa, I ask that you give it special attention.
The second item I’d like is something called a “banger” for our left field position. To be specific, a “left-handed banger”. (I know you make these in your workshop, Santa, because I’ve seen them on other teams). The part we had out there last year ran well but looked more like a flyswatter than a banger. I think the team will have enough flyswatters this year, so if there’s room in your sack for a left-handed banger, Santa, It would make me very happy.
I think I’m pretty well set, otherwise, Santa, so I’m going to sign off. Oh! I almost forgot about those two missing crowns from last year! In case you’re having trouble finding them in your workshop, I’ll tell you what to look for. The first one will say “ALCS Champions” on it. The second crown, by far more important, should prominently read “World Series Champions”. Any extra effort you and the elves can spend to locate those crowns would be greatly appreciated, Santa.
As always, we will have a lot of Coke (though it’s left over from last year and a little flat) and cookies for you and your reindeer. Merry Christmas.
A Tiger Fan
P.S. Santa–Please don’t leave new bases for us this year. Nobody stole any last year, so we don’t need a new supply.