A Tigers Festivus for the Rest of Us

Each year on December 23, a much larger number of people than you would imagine gather with friends and family to celebrate Festivus, a holiday created in the 1960s and brought to the masses thanks to a famous Seinfeld episode in 1997. I highly recommend the Wiki page for more information.

Festivus begins with a meal, during which occurs the “airing of grievances.” So as we gather around the virtual Festivus Pole today, it is time to air those grievances. This is where you get to let everyone know all the ways they have wronged you in the past year. My beloved Detroit Tigers, I got a lotta problems with you people and now you’re gonna hear about it.

Rick Knapp- How is it that you couldn’t figure out what was wrong with Max Scherzer‘s delivery during the four months you had him, but A.J. Sager figured it out in two starts with Toledo? If not for his terrible start to the season, Scherzer would have been in line for Cy Young consideration.

Jim Leyland- Why were you so quick to pull the plug on Scott Sizemore, yet you stuck it out to the bitter end with Brennan Boesch? Casper Wells was tearing the cover off the ball when he finally got his chance, but he still had to platoon with Boesch late in the year. Also, it bothers me how much you seem to like resting your key players after they’ve played a handful of games in a row. These guys are professionals and it’s your job to win games. Sunday lineups just frankly shouldn’t exist.

I don’t care how much you cried about it, Jim Joyce, the fact remains that you stole a piece of history from Armando Galarraga and more importantly from every Tiger fans alive.

And Galarraga! You tease me with you occasional brilliance. FIGURE IT OUT. I don’t care if you need to pretend that every team is the Indians, results must improve. You have the stuff, but you nibble like Zach Freaking Miner. This is not acceptable.

Dave Dombrowski- You hand out extension years like candy, yet can’t put together a bullpen that employs a major league caliber arm to use in long relief. When a long man has to be used, the goal is to keep the other team from piling on so the offense can catch up. Perhaps if you hadn’t blown so much dough on worthless guys who you then had to release, Eddie Bonine wouldn’t have been in a position to suck so badly.

Fu-Te Ni– What the hell happened to you? You go from a guy that lefties can touch to getting torched every time you step onto the mound. Don’t give me that crap about injuries either. If you were hurt, you could have had your interpreter say something to someone about it before you cost the team a half dozen games.

How’s about getting a hit in the FIRST HALF of the season, Ryan Raburn? It was nice watching you tear up pitchers when the Tigers fell out of contention, but let’s see if you can do it while the games still mean something.

Shave that crappy chin strap and learn to throw some strikes, Ryan Perry.

Johnny Damon has over 2,000 hits and I don’t think three of those came with runners on base in 2010. What the crap, man?

Whomever was responsible for shelving Rick Porcello‘s curve ball should face a firing squad. Or at least get fired. Don’t draft a guy with a plus curve and then take the pitch away from him.

It’s a change-up, Jeremy Bonderman. It’s not that difficult. Either the last four pitching coaches have all sucked at their job or you’re too stubborn to listen. I’m guessing the latter.

You know what I don’t find fun? Knowing full well that whenever Brandon Inge comes up in a big spot, a pop-up will surely be the result.

Someone, anyone, please hit a sacrifice fly!

Of course, you all are welcome to get into the spirit of the season and use the comments to air your own grievances. I can already hear Bob pounding out a good Raburn slam on his keyboard.

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