A Detroit Tiger Fan’s Letter To Santa

Dear Santa Claus,

Thank you for delivering the American League Central Division crown I requested last year. This year, though, I’d like to ask for the full set of crowns (AL Central, ALDS, ALCS, and World Series). I apologize for not making that clear in last year’s letter, Santa, but that’s really what I wanted.

Another thing I asked for last year was a “left-handed banger” for the Detroit Tigers’ left field position. Well, Santa, once again you proved you are the one and only Harry Houdini of the North Pole, as you not only deliver toys, but you somehow find time to moonlight as a magician.

How you did it, I don’t know, but you pulled a rabbit out of your hat when you delivered a true banger to the Detroit Tigers last season, in the form of J.D. Martinez. I realize you got the “handedness” thing wrong (he’s actually a “right-handed banger”, Santa), but not a single Tiger fan is complaining down here in Michigan.

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Speaking of “down, here in Michigan”, Santa, I hate to bring this up, but remember that “new and improved” bullpen model I politely asked for last year? Well, I never got it and the only thing I can figure is it fell off your sleigh somewhere near Kansas City and was missing once you and your reindeer got to Detroit.

I tried to make it through the summer and fall in good spirits, Santa, but the so-called weapons in our bullpen kept misfiring, which made me sad. I guess I kinda got used to it by October, which is when the bullpen completely ran out of ammunition and Tiger fans watched helplessly as a flock of birds pooped on our team.

Sorry for the bad language, Santa, but this has gone on too long and we’re getting

damn

tired of it.

Now I don’t want to beg, Santa, but please, PLEASE can you and your elves build us a shiny, new bullpen for next year?

This time I would like one that shoots real bullets (not blanks like last year) and never runs out of lethal arms. Much happiness depends on this, Santa, and I know you can do it–but frankly I’m getting a little worried because it’s almost Christmas and nothing’s been done yet!

As always, Santa, I was a really well-behaved Tiger fan throughout most of the season. For instance, after a another bad outing in July, Tiger relief pitcher Joe Nathan made a gesture called  a “chin-flick” toward the section I was sitting in at Comerica Park. That wasn’t very nice, and some of the fans got really red-faced (even redder than you, Santa!) and yelled some things at Nathan I hadn’t heard before. I think I heard them say “well, flick you too!”, or something like that in response.

But not me, Santa. Not a word. So you can see I’ve been very good, even in the face of temptation.

Uh, one last thing–once you get that shiny, new bullpen built and  safely secured on your sleigh, can you stop in Detroit before you go to Kansas City this year?

Thanks Santa.

P.S.: As always, I’ll leave cookies for you and the reindeer. No Coke this year, though, because he was flat last year and had to be discarded.

P.S.S.: Oh, yeah, I almost forgot–please leave some new replacement bases for us–for the first time in a long time the team actually stole a few, so we need a new supply!

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