Detroit Tigers to ditch Comerica Park; new stadium coming 2020


In a surprising development, Motor City Bengals has learned that the Detroit Tigers will abandon the ancient Comerica Park within five years and move into a new riverfront stadium at the location that will be vacated by Joe Louis Arena in downtown Detroit.

The Tigers have deemed Comerica Park, entering its 16th season of hosting baseball, as a relic and too antiquated for today’s modern game and fans. They hope to be playing in a brand new stadium along the Detroit River by 2020.

"“We saw what they were doing in Atlanta, St. Louis, and elsewhere,” Detroit Tigers’ spokesman Guy Incognito said. “And it really made sense. The decrepit baseball and football stadiums in those cities are falling apart and have gone way beyond their original shelf lives.”"

The Georgia Dome, home of the Atlanta Falcons since 1992 and Turner Field, which hosted the 1996 Olympics and became the new home of the Atlanta Braves in 1997, have each fallen into disrepair. Each team will have a new, publicly-funded home in the coming years.

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Meanwhile the football Rams have threatened to leave St. Louis for Los Angeles, the city they originally came from, because their 20-year old stadium (which lured them from the nation’s second-largest media market in the first place) is just way too old–or something.

The NBA’s Orlando Magic recently moved into a new, taxpayer-funded venue after an excruciating quarter century in one place.

The Tigers moved to Comerica Park in 2000 following 87 years at Tiger Stadium. They acknowledge that sports teams believe that even 20 years at one stadium or arena is way too long. The team wishes to be out of Comerica Park prior to that 20-year window before the aging structure disintegrates around them.

The new stadium will be called “Uber Field at Starbucks Stadium Presented by Pepsi-Cola.” Corporate sponsorship will pay $1 million, the Detroit Tigers will pay $75.50 and Michigan taxpayers will pick up the remaining $2 billion tab.

The new stadium will feature the same seating capacity as Comerica Park (around 40,000), but 25,000 of those seats will be accounted for in high-priced luxury boxes and corporate seating behind home plate and the dugouts.

Following the lead of the carousel and Ferris Wheel at Comerica Park, the Tigers plan to take Uber Field at Starbucks Stadium Presented by Pepsi-Cola to the next level.

"“We will be partnering with Cedar Point to build three roller coasters that will meander through and around the field of play,” Incognito said. “We know most fans don’t come to watch the actual game. Instead they look at their phones, take constant selfies and post on Twitter how they want our manager fired. This will give them some entertainment to pass the time from after their phone dies until they can go home. The few fans actually watching the game will be able to see the ball hit off the roller coaster tracks, which will be in play. So that will be fun and a nostalgic callback to when the flagpole was in play at Tiger Stadium.”"

The plan is to demolish Joe Louis Arena when the Detroit Red Wings move to their new arena in 2017 and begin building the new baseball stadium immediately.

Don’t get too attached to Uber Field at Starbucks Stadium Presented by Pepsi-Cola, however.

"“I think the way trends are in sports currently, you will see teams leaving their stadiums within five years,” Incognito said. “What you will see is as soon as they are done building one stadium, work will immediately begin on the next one. This will be a boon to construction companies and grow jobs and the economy across the country.”"

The Detroit Tigers hope to have the stadium completed in time to have a HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY in 2020.

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